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[22 May 2006|04:52pm]
we're about to be homeless and i'm about to go to jail for punching danni in her fucking mouth.
2 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

wtf?! [26 Mar 2006|08:14pm]
what was lara going to tell alice?! see, this show is the devil.

actually, danni is the devil for showing me that we have On Demand and that I can watch all of the episodes from this season as much as i want.
the promises you'll only make

i should just delete this thing altogether. [18 Feb 2006|02:06pm]
i never have time-or energy- to write about myself. in case anyone has been wondering how i'm doing:

i just finished the first "semester" of classes in my year-long program. what that means: in six weeks i have completed four 5 unit courses. what it also means is that i have absolutely no life to speak of. no, i'm serious, this is what my days generally look like:

-wake at 4:45am. hit snooze until 5:10am and then leap out of bed, assemble my uniform as best as i can with my eyes closed and then try not to forget too much of my shit as i run out the door.
-stop at work for my mocha or chai.
-spend 45 minutes in commuter traffic to SF, and then fight with the aggressive, idiot asshole drivers in the city. (i would like to say, for the record, that if i ever meet a MUNI driver somewhere while intoxicated i will probably get arrested for trying to fight them).
-spend the next 5 hours in class, listening to lectures about covalent bonds and how many kcalories are contained in carbohydrates vs. fat; then, getting my ass kicked in the kitchen where regular time does not exist and all of the sudden chef is screaming that you have five minutes to get your pork chop out of the oven and hope it's still edible, cook your vegetables, finish your sauce and then plate everything. oh yeah, while you have some skinny french bastard standing over you, looking at your julienne carrots and batonet potato going "WHAT IZ THEES BOOL-SHEET??"
-stagger back to my car with all of my tools and my bookbag and spend another hour in traffic driving home, trying not to lose my voice entirely while shouting at people to either speed the fuck up or get the fuck over. am seriously considering putting a little sign on a stick that says "YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, YOU ASSHOLE" that i can angrily wave at people who suck. (you think i'm joking....)
-spend about 30 mins ranting to my wonderful, patient girlfriend about what a total idiot my kitchen partner is and how s/he didn't listen to me when i said we needed to get the chicken in the oven RIGHTFUCKINGNOWGODDAMNIT because they weren't done chopping the parsnip they had been chopping for the last fifteen minutes, and so our chicken was still kind of raw and chef was upset and i couldn't be like "SEE?!?!??! YOU FUCKING IDIOT." because that's not professional or really condusive to a healthy workspace. unfortunately.
-study. and cook. and study some more, until i realize it's almost 10pm and i really need to get some fucking sleep so i can actually get up when the alarm goes off.
-end up staying up another hour because my girlfriend is all sexy and sex really is a good stress reliever anyway....

also, i work friday, saturday and sunday, so i haven't had a day off in almost two months. (unless you count two weeks ago when i got viral bronchitis and pharyngitis and spent saturday and sunday in bed, not being able to breathe and feeling like i was going to die.) i'm losing my sunday closing shift because it's starting to catch up with me finally, and i dont think i have any more stored energy reserves to fall back on. the good news:

-I have solid A's in Safety and Sanitation, Food Science and Nutrition.
-I got a B+ WITH HONORS in Basic Skills, the only class you are eligible for honors in. What that means, basically, is that the handful of us who receive honors are the only ones that Chef will write recommendations for, and will also apprenctice himself. needless to say, i'm COMPLETELY over the moon about it and pretty much called everyone i knew to tell them about it. at least my complete lack of a social life has been worth it.

anyway. i'll probably update again in a few months with more. i love you all. xoxo.
8 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

Astro.com report [30 Dec 2005|12:11am]
[ mood | pensive ]

*Shit like this is a little hard for me to read, because it's...frighteningly accurate. For any other astrology geeks out there, I recommend the site if you haven't already found it.*

Sun in Pisces, Moon in Aries

This astrological combination indicates a brisk, self-reliant individual who seems to always be in motion. You scatter your concentration and reserve of force in an effort to assert your personality. The result is that you are restless, and much of the effort of your actions is lost by your unsettled haste.

There is a paradoxical aspect to your nature. On the one hand you appear willful and assertive, yet you can easily be swayed by outside influences. Continually drawn to new causes, you embrace them with all-out enthusiasm, but you lack the commitment to follow them through. You are generous and kind-hearted, but because of your inner unease, you can be a difficult co-worker or associate.

This tendency can extend itself to your love life. Your good intentions are often buried by misunderstandings caused by your multifaceted nature. Being open to a variety of possibilities, you lose sight of a clear goal. Your meditative, imitative nature, heightened by the workings of an ever-active fancy, is the cause of your personal undoing. The key to a more harmonious nature lies in directing your gentle qualities toward workable altruistic aims.

Ascendant in Aries, Mars in the Twelfth House

At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Aries was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Mars is located in the twelfth house.

Aries is the first sign of the zodiacal belt and its natives seem also desirous of being "first" in all activities with which they happen to be involved. The cardinality of the sign makes you extremely active and capable of displaying ambition, impulsiveness, courage, and boldness in order to satisfy your desire for prominence in the world.

The general course of your life will be filled with many 'ups' and 'downs' and changes conforming very much with the psychological nature of your temperament. Whether you triumph or not in life depends on your ability to develop your most positive inborn qualities and, simultaneously, exert some control over your less favorable characteristics, such as a lack of prudence, and a certain disregard for the feelings and opinions of others.

Aries gives a tendency for its natives to be inclined to politics and public work. You should be successful (or at least attempt to be so) in any work or activity that necessitates pioneering ideas and/or a militant disposition. You also appear to have an ardent attitude in any project that somehow or another involves new concepts or original work and in which you are given a position of leadership. One of your problems is that in your love for achievement in novel projects you tend to destroy old concepts and former contributions which would, perhaps, have been useful for your endeavors. Impulsive, critical, despising mean or dubious acts, you will create many excellent friendships but also important enemies. Your life is rich in passion and ardent love. In sexual matters you are quick, aggressive, and to the point. You also are a lover of pleasures, which you feel with a bright, open, and sparkling character.

Mars, the ruler of your life events, is found in the twelfth house. This position gives the possibilities of an obscure life acting in the shadows. There are dangers of violence surging from occult or disguised enemies that act in the dark. Mars here has one advantage: at a certain point of your life it may become possible to escape from all bonds by acting dramatically, quickly and positively against the restraints imposed by your fate.

Venus in the First House

Venus is in the first house. This is a strong position for Venus, for it adds charm to your personality and gives you an amiable and pleasant disposition.

You concentrate a great deal on your appearance and even if you are not especially beautiful or handsome, you have a quality of softness and friendliness, which endears you to many.

You like to keep beauty and grace around you as much as possible. You have a strong affinity with nature and prefer the quiet life of the country to the plastic constructions of city life.

It is likely that you grew up in an atmosphere of warmth and congeniality. Now it is easy for you to project these same feelings to family and friends, and others often count on you to restore peace in difficult situations.

You have strong inclinations toward music, art and drama and you may wish to cultivate a form of artistic expression.

You work very hard to get along with others, and you usually try to win arguments with diplomacy rather than force. You must learn to be self-assertive when necessary and to stand up for your own rights, forcefully if need be. Otherwise, people will not have much respect for you.

Relationships are important to you, and you often go out of your way to initiate them. It is vital that your associations remain harmonious, because quarrels and disputes affect you adversely.

Venus Conjunct Ascendant

Venus conjunct the Ascendant indicates that you have a personable manner and social charm, which win you the approval of everyone you deal with. This is exactly the sanction you seek, for above all, you want to be accepted. You find it easy to make whatever compromises are necessary to get what you desire. However, you may not succeed in convincing everyone that you are only acting the part of the conniver. Regardless of the image you present to observers, underneath the surface is a calculating machine on which you count the advantages and disadvantages of every association or friendship, every social contact and social function.

You are usually well behaved and refined, but when you can not get what you want, you become extremely aggressive and demanding.

Learn to tone down your self-seeking and spend some time developing the more substantial talents that will make you worthy of the gifts you seek.

Saturn in the Seventh House

Saturn was found in seventh house at the time of birth. In your dealings with others, you are going to present a very cautious personality and you will work slowly towards the achievement of security. The environment will be a very restricting factor in your life; the same limitations that hinder your relationships with others will emerge in a narrowness of reception to your ideas and emotions. This indicates that the key to more spiritual and material development lies in your response to the several tests destined for you which consist of patiently enduring difficulties through human relationships.

You should remember that Saturn does not lend a propensity to be demonstrative in an emotional sense. It does, in those individuals with whom you will start a lifelong relationship, give a sense of duty and stability of emotions. Yet you are going to experience some sorrow throughout your life in a relationship. This is mostly going to consist of the several limitations that this state is imposing upon your personal freedom.

The key to a better integration of your existence lies in the ability to view these obstacles and binds with philosophical resignation.

Sun in the Twelfth House

The Sun was in your twelfth house at the time of birth. This may indicate a life full of limitations, obstacles, and human opposition, but at the same time a lot of inner strength and energy.

You are urged to pause and reflect upon your own accumulated history. Take some time for introspection. It may result in a purification process accompanied by some remorse of conscience.

Internally, you are quite different from the way you present yourself externally. You possess a vast reservoir of energy that may be partially hidden even from your own awareness.

Your internal disposition is strong, commanding, open, and of a rare generosity. More and more you should try to bring these characteristics into the open so that they can overcome some of the less desirable aspects of your personality.

Moon in the Twelfth House

The Moon was in your twelfth house at the time of birth. Secretly, you enjoy a love of romance and adventure that lends a bit of excitement to your daydreaming.

It is possible that the little popularity that you may enjoy in this life will be from some very reserved and secretive circles where your merits are recognized.

It can be expected that you will be successful in positions that call for solitude or remote locations.

the promises you'll only make

please don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams [24 Jul 2005|03:12pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

tomorrow i have my first interview w/ sam from the california culinary academy (aka le cordon bleu). he called me on my second to last day in las vegas and did a little mini-interview, and the entire time i felt like i was going to throw up. he was so nice, said he was really excited about talking to me again, and then went on to say they can only accept a handful of people from the thousands that apply and so if i miss that phone call i've basically missed the bus for good...you get the point. no pressure or anything.

i feel like screaming. this is, hands-down, the most important thing i will have done so far in my life and i am DETERMINED to make it happen. i will. i've finally found something i'm really good at, something i have a natural talent for that i am also passionate about. i've had a completely fucked up relationship with food my whole life and i'm being given an opportunity to turn that into something productive, creative, fulfilling, satisfying. i've spent the last four years fucking off and having fun; i was also able to gain some confidence in my abilities, appearance, value, you name it. i can't pinpoint when, exactly, i stopped believing in my own intelligence or ability to succeed but do remember perfectly what it felt like to be young and just know i was gonna do great things. i remember how determined and driven i used to feel to succeed, get the best grades, read the biggest books, learn the biggest words. i still have that in me; i never stopped being good at things or driven to succeed. things lately have been harder for me emotionally, financially and physically than they ever have been but i'm still here...i'm still getting things done and i'm the same old alison, no weaker, no more broken than anyone else.

i can do this. i can.

i'm not going to worry about how much it's going to cost to attend the academy (because it is going to cost a small fortune), i'm just going to start applying for student loans and grants anywhere i can. i will ask whoever i need to ask for money, i will work whatever jobs i have to work to pay for it all. this isn't something i expect to come easily. i want to be able to look any stranger in the eye and say i worked my ass off every step of the way, i wanted it more than anyone else and was willing to do what it took to get there. i need to prove to myself that i can do anything at all, that my grandfather wasn't lying to me when he said i was born with everything i'd ever need. i want more than anything to start feeling like he would be proud of me, of what i've become and what i've done.

3 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

[03 Jun 2005|01:38pm]
i kind of like the idea of pretending i'm an orphan.
2 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

[20 May 2005|04:35pm]
is anyone else on myspace? if so, gimme yr email address so i can add you!

in other news, i've spent the last five days sitting on my ass letting my ankle heal. fuck ford, they can kiss my ass. at this point i don't really care if they put me on an attendance plan; if they feel the need to do that to someone who has a medical release then i hope that Bill Ford has a fucking heart attack and dies. ugh. (i fell and busted my ankle- AT WORK, i might add, in the fucking fitness center while working out- and the nurse at work basically told me a short-term medical leave would be laughed at, and if i missed more than one day of work i'd be put on some sort of probation-thing.) I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE.

this is one of the days i'd give anything to be one of those little rich girls whose parents pay for their car, pay for their rent, pay for their tuition, pay for their goddamn food. my parents are struggling and i don't blame them for not being able to take care of everything for me- i mean, i'm 22 after all- but we are so desperately broke it's not funny. i still haven't been able to sell my truck, it's just been dead ends. amy STILL hasn't been able to find a job. most of our bills are due at the beginning of the month with rent, which means june first i'm going to have to find a way to make rent, utilities, phone bill, water, and then pay for groceries and gas on my income alone. i'm trying really really really really hard not to panic but i just.....FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've been racking my brain trying to think of creative ways to make money, but aside from selling my truck i don't own ANYTHING of worth that i could even pawn. do i go stand on the corner selling scarves i've knitted...in MAY?? i hope amy doesn't read this because then she's just going to start feeling guilty again and that helps NOTHING, but i'm starting to feel a little desperate. i HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE being broke. (it makes me feel helpless, and i guess if i'm honest that's what i hate most.)

i wish i had more to talk about, anything more interesting, but this is basically where i'm at right now. this is all i have room for, emotionally. the thought that i'll be going back to cali this winter is about all that's keeping me going. i'm going to go back to school and rack up thousands in student loans and work as little as possible and just try and be happy and stress-free. if there's one thing i've learned working in collections it's that no matter how hard you work, or how many degrees you have, or how smart you are, or how rich your wife is, you can still wake up tomorrow to find that the company you work for has gone bankrupt and you're being laid off with no severance package; that the degrees you hold are worthless because the job market fucking sucks thanks to baby bush and his excellent development of our sagging economy; that you have to work at walmart even though you went to princeton because they're the only place that needs poor shmucks who need jobs; that your wife has left you with nothing but your dick in your hand and an empty bank account. i know i'm not special, that this can happen to anyone. i listen to these stories every day, and it breaks my heart, and although i hate my fucking job at least i have one that pays decently and has good benefits. i realize that i am lucky in a lot of ways, but it doesn't make this easier or better or ANYTHING. it just means i feel guilty every time i bitch about how scared i am.
4 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

[18 Mar 2005|04:29pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

being in santa rosa again after being away for the last six months is a little surreal. nothing has changed, everything is different, i just can't get over how green everything is. my birthday was tuesday--the actual day was wonderfully boring, and for the first time in my entire life i actually DO feel different now. it's not the number itself, it's that i cannot believe i have been living in colorado for a year and a half, i cannot believe amy and i are STILL together, i cannot believe i haven't yet(seriously) gone back to school, i cannot believe my littlest sister is in junior high, i cannot believe i don't work for borders anymore, i cannot believe the number of people i just don't talk to anymore....etc. i honestly try not to regret past mistakes so much as try desperately not to repeat them, but i am realizing that one of the worst things about me is how hard it seems to be to stay in touch w/ people when i am caught up in my own shit. i work a lot, that is true, and i work in a fucking call center so most days i would much rather slit my wrists than get BACK on the phone after work. but that hasn't always been the case; i don't understand why it is so hard for me to believe that people actually CARE about what happens in my life, the day-to-day bullshit that actually makes up lives. i am not terribly depressed all the time, just bored and a little frustrated at my own inability to get off my ass and make shit happen. I'M ONLY 22, I SHOULD NOT BE SO LAZY AND JADED AND BORING. yeah. arika and i went out and got fucking drunk for st. patty's day, and i realized that i have to make a choice at some point, sooner rather than later: i need to decide whether i'm going to actually start enjoying being young and stupid and really just live it up for the next few years, or whether i really clean my shit up now and stop fucking around, go back to school to get my degrees (music & business) and actually have a career and be able to support myself (and a family....?) in a few years. i have reached a point where i feel completely stagnant and it's really driving me crazy. i want to BE something, i want to live life as much as i can and have something to show for it when all is said and done, and i don't want to look back and feel like all i did was work and go to school and get a good job and be a mom and take care of all the important, responsible things. i think that would make me a bitter, resentful, shitty person (*coughmystepfathercough*) and that's not what i want.

fuck, i wish i had more time to just sit and think about this, and write, but we have to go again.

KRISTIN: Scarf's done, can you gimme yr new address again since i don't trust the one i sent yr last package too? =)

CARA: HOLY SHIT YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!! You need to read, Autobiography of a Fat Bride, by Laurie Notaro. No, I'm not trying to imply anything really mean, it's just that she's the FUNNIEST humor writer in the WORLD and I think every bride should be required to read it. I wishwishwishwishwish we had the internet in our apt....I am so out of the loop......

5 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

[19 Feb 2005|12:41pm]
Long story short:

-Got an apartment.
-Got cable (L Word season premiere tomorrow! eeeee! Oh Ms. Hailey, how I've missed you...).
-Got into big fights w/ the gf for awhile.
-Had the big 'talk' and things are now better than they ever have been.
-My inner pagan has finally exploded and left me with a sense of purpose I've never felt previously. My mother would be so proud!
-I found a little brass Kwan Yin for my altar and almost peed myself with glee (embellishing. promise.)
-My job FUCKING SUCKS and hows yours?
-Last night an emo girl at the bar told me my tattoo was 'hot.' Gave me a tingly.
-I'm going back home March 11-25. Oh San Francisco, oh Berkeley, oh freedom from the religious right: how I've missed you.
-Speaking of, Amy got me a bumpersticker that has two little pentacles on either side, that says: 'Come the Rapture, we'll have the earth to ourselves.' I <3 my gf.
-I'm trying to grow my hair out. Not sure how long it's going to last.
-Amy's father wants to take us on a cruise to the bahamas this summer, which means I need to get hot very soon so I don't have to spend the entire trip being wasted so as to keep my mind off how my thighs look in my bathing suit.
-Oh god bathing suit shopping. I need a fucking drink.
-No more pink hair. Too much work.
-Almost finished w/ Kristin's scarf; you wouldn't know I'm getting faster to watch me w/ it...
-Hungry, need lunch now.
3 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

[03 Nov 2004|11:14pm]
[ mood | sick ]

bush must surely love the poor,
as he's made so many of us.

i hate you. yes, i mean that. i want to meet every single person who voted for bush someday forty years from now, when their parents-the laborers (or "manufacturers" as Bush would say), the poor, the lower-middle-class shmucks who spent their entire lives serving the public-are driven out of their homes because they can't pay a mortgage, they're too old and sick to work, they have no healthcare, nor a single source of income because they spent their lives providing for their disgustingly ungrateful children, putting them through school so that one day they would grow up to vote for a man who is systematically destroying every social freedom, civil liberty and all protections erected to protect the poor, the middle class, the elderly. i want to meet them someday when they are faced with this and then ask who the real terrorists were. this makes me sick to my stomach. as amy says, it's time to shit or get off the pot. i cannot continue to be so disturbed by the state of our nation and not DO anything. i want a fucking revolution. i am utterly, entirely serious. it's time for liberals to grow a goddamn backbone and start playing dirty. fuck democrats. fuck them in their stupid asses. this all makes me so mad i'm shaking. i can't stop fucking shaking because i'm terrified of what they're going to take away in the next four years. it was all handed to us, all we had to do was keep it SAFE, but could we? no. young people just don't give a shit and we're letting america, inc. take everything away. AND NOBODY KNOWS! hardly anyone knows what's actually happening to SIMPLE CONSTITUTIONAL FREEDOMS--protesters are getting shot at, arrested without cause and otherwise completely ambushed by fucking swat teams. the feds are demanding that librarians give up your personal files if you're deemed "suspicious" and you can be reported by ANYONE to the police for 'suspicious' activity and the police can search your house, steal your medical files and listen to your telephone conversations without having to tell you. THEY DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ANY OTHER REASON THAN JUST A SLIGHT HUNCH THAT YOU MAYBE, POSSIBLY, SORT-OF MIGHT HAVE AN UNCLE OR SOMETHING WHO JUST MIGHT BE A BID, BAD, DIRTY BROWN 'TERRORIST'. THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. i'm sorry. i know this is almost completely incoherant. it's just that i'm so fucking scared.

the promises you'll only make

kitties!! [30 Sep 2004|08:50pm]
[ mood | restless ]

i can't help it...my mom's new kittens are so cute! there's two of them, but jojo is the one who likes to cuddle with me so she's the one in the pics. =)


2 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

v. v. bored [30 Sep 2004|11:01am]
[ mood | loved ]

(someone's been reading a little too much british chick-lit..)

this is my favorite picture of me and amy:

i want to see others! =) indulge me.

the promises you'll only make

HELL. YES. [24 Sep 2004|08:15pm]
Would anyone want to bang you? by phobia
Favorite Food:
Wants to Bang you:
This many times:98
Quiz created with MemeGen!
4 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

i swear. real entry. soon. [23 Sep 2004|08:50pm]
If LJ Was a High School by Karen_Walker
Lunch Ladysoargasm
Head Cheerleaderi_love_the_pain
Prom Queen_lost_the_plot
Gang Membermadame_messiah
Band Geekhazylullaby
Theatre Geekacrossthestars
Chess Club Captainmagentaskin
Loner Goth Kidthenewillusion
Class Clownmuscadomestica
Quiz created with MemeGen!
2 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

a real entry is coming soon; however, in the meantime... [23 Sep 2004|08:44pm]
Your Boobies' Names Are: Cheech and Chong

That is just so appropriate. Even my boobs are stoners.
2 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

[01 Sep 2004|11:57pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

every time i sit down to write, my mind completely erases itself. i feel as though i would need days to explain every thought currently crowding my brain.

i got back from california on the 17th of August. i was there for three weeks helping to open a new store in Stockton. in the three weeks i had a total of two days off; this was definitely business and not pleasure. i had an amazing time with the people i met and worked with. i met a man, marco, who i will not try to explain. it was a wonderful trip. i am trying not to dwell on the small ache i feel when i think about home; it rained all summer and it's getting ready to start snowing again; my last day at borders is the 19th and then i am free. i am not really sad about leaving this store, although i will miss the company--i've worked for them for four years now and practically all of the most important people in my life are people i met at work. i feel stronger for this decision, though; it really is time to start thinking about what is important, what i want to spend the rest of my life doing. i want nothing more than to return to school, so i can start feeling useful.

being in love with someone who treats you as though you are precious, something valuable and beautiful, makes me wonder why i put up with so much bullshit in the past. it's been almost a year since i moved out here and i can honestly say we are more in love with each other now than we ever were before. i know that this sounds extremely trite, but moving here was such an enormous risk; we are extremely lucky for things to have turned out the way they did. it has definitely taken awhile for me to get adjusted, but i have done so much for myself in the past year to make it worth it.

the computer keeps freezing. i hate this stupid piece of shit. i will write more when i can, but i'm not making any promises. i really hating fighting with this machine.

i hope everyone is well. i miss you all.

4 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

Puedo escribir [21 Apr 2004|09:06pm]
[ mood | love is so short, ]

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: «La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos.»

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo tabién la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi vos buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

(and because i'm sure most of you took french in high school, like me-for which i am kicking myself most firmly in the rear-i will write it out in english as well. but neruda is meant to be read in his original language. such absolute beauty. it makes me want to cry.)

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as thought to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

5 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

make yr life [07 Apr 2004|10:34pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

although i am sure that some will not like the butchies' new album, i am of the opinion that kaia's voice is pure sex; she can do absolutely no wrong, in my eyes.


i would also like to say that my boss is a complete weenie. i have absolutely no respect for him, or that heifer kim, or even nicole (although she is the most palatable of the trio-she's also been inexplicably nice to me of late-she still acts as though she is utterly infallible which is absolutely infuriating, considering the number of errors she makes on a weekly basis). during our stupid manager/supervisor meeting, brian went on and on about "bridging the gap" between middle and upper management. he kept spouting so much bullshit about "wiping the slate clean" and "getting rid of any preconceived judgements or personal conflicts" so that we could all work together as a cohesive team. give me a goddamn break. first of all, both of those comments were directly aimed at kim and me, and jess and nicole. (for the record, it's common knowledge that jess thinks nicole is a terrible manager-due to her consistent screw-ups and just as consistent attitude that she is the best damn inventory manager in the company-and i doubt that is going to change simply because brian is tired of nicole constantly bitching at him about how jess has no respect for her.) michael looked right at me when he said it and rolled her eyes, and i was hard pressed not to yawn. i walked into that place absolutely eager to make friends; i have been told that i am naturally a friendly person, but more than that, i knew i was going to be in this goddamn town for at least a few years and i really really wanted to make at least a few friends. kim, however, decided right off the bat that she didn't like me at all and was therefore going to be saccharine and smiley to my face and talk so much shit about me behind my back that there was no possible way i wouldn't find out about it. i am always polite and appropriately cordial with her, mostly because i refuse to stoop to her level but also because she is my manager and so i have to be. however, i hope brian doesn't think for one goddamn second that his little "talk" with all of us is going to change anything. this is the woman who, after finding out that michael&justin and amy&i went out to old chicago for some pool and drinks one night, cornered michael in the office and actually asked her, "do you like alison more than me?" that pretty much ended her friendship with michael--which did nothing to help her opinion of me, i'm sure; i'm almost positive the whole reason she decided to hate me so much is because michael and i hit it off right away and she felt threatened because the two of us are much closer in age than she and michael are (she's in her mid-thirties, by the way, although you'd never know by the way she acts). i digress. the whole point of this rant is that i am disgusted by the fact that brian has to dance around these issues without ever actually taking anyone aside to solve anything. i know for a fact kim bitches about me to him weekly in their meetings, because he's intimated as much to me during ours. however, i get my job done and i do it damn well, so her complaints hold absolutely no weight. michael and i think he is sick of nicole and kim constantly trying to find fault where there is none in our performances, but i guess he can't just say that to them. he can't just say anything to anyone! all he ever does is beat around the bush, try and find the most "diplomatic" (i.e. non-confrontational) way of phrasing things, constantly buffering all of his stupid prattle with "and you know, i'm not trying to say.." and "but i really don't think she meant to.." et cetera. i can certainly dish out my fair share of wimpyness-i think everyone can, at some point or another-but this is business. this is supposedly his career path, and there are times when i get so fed up with the fact that he never actually TELLS me anything that i wan't to scream, "WHY DON'T YOU TRY DROPPING A FUCKING PAIR AND SAYING WHAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO SAY INSTEAD OF WASTING MY TIME WITH SO MUCH UNNECCESARY BULLSHIT, YOU STUPID FUCKWIT!!!" gah. i am serious when i say that my continued employment with borders relies only on my upcoming review. i've never had a bad review in the almost four years i've worked for the company, and if he gives me a shitty one i'm walking, end of story. i don't care HOW much i used to love this job--all of this stress is turning me into a horrible bitch and i refuse to do it anymore unless i'm given a serious cash incentive to stay. amy and i have been bickering constantly lately, and mostly it's my fault--i'm fucking miserable, most days, when i come home and i take it out on her which isn't cool. she's the one absolutely wonderful thing i have right now, and i'm not going to let this job jeopordize that.

end rant.

i want it to be summer, already. i could really use some skirts&flipflops weather about now.

the promises you'll only make

[23 Mar 2004|12:32pm]
this house is way too quiet.
the promises you'll only make

note left on my pillow last night [22 Feb 2004|04:52pm]
[ mood | loved ]

i love you so much, angel.
you're so fucking beautiful.
i can't wait to be on the beach
with you again...

i love this girl. i want to have her kittens someday.

3 little white lies| the promises you'll only make

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